I solemnly swear that I am ready for sex!
by Trip and Jayne
Summary: The myth of the Scarlet Whores. Pre OOTP Remus/Tonks.


Author Notes: Alright, this explains who the Scarlet Whores from the Lavender Brown chapter of RCOSS are. Pre OOTP, just before they rescue Harry. Lupin/Tonks, in more ways than one.

* * *

It was a long, and excruciatingly hot, day at 12 Grimmauld Place. Arthur was at work, Molly had gone shopping for food and Mad-Eye had gone on a secret mission, leaving Tonks, Lupin and Sirius to 'watch' Fred, George, Ron, Ginny and Hermione. (A/N Harry hasn't been rescued yet.) It was on this day that Ted and Andromeda Tonks decided to visit their daughter and cousin.

They all sat in the drawing room, the smell of burning canvas still lingering in the air, (Andromeda had set Walburga's portrait on fire because it called her a "Degenerate Harlot") sipping glasses of cold lemonade. Andromeda looked at the family tapestry.

"When did Uncle Alphard get burnt off the tapestry?" She asked Sirius.

"He gave me money when I ran away from home," Sirius explained.

"Oh," Andromeda said, "I don't think Electra would thank you for that."

"I don't think Electra particularly cares about the Noble House of Black anymore," Sirius said, chuckling with the other adults.

"Who's Electra?" Hermione asked.

"Our cousin," Sirius said, pointing to an extremely large burn between 'Regulus Black' and 'Bellatrix Lestrange', "Alphard's daughter, she got burnt off the tapestry when she was expelled from Hogwarts."

"How did she get expelled?" Ginny asked.

"How old are you?" Andromeda asked.

"Fourteen," Ginny answered.

"Alright, Electra Black," Andromeda explained, "was expelled from Hogwarts during her seventh year because she smuggled a muggle into the castle."

"A muggle," Sirius added, "with whom she proceeded to have carnal relations."

"What?" Ron asked.

"Sex, Ronald, sex," Hermione explained.

"On a teacher's desk," Ted continued.

"An old teacher," Lupin added, "Who had a tendency to get up in the middle of the night and plan his lessons."

"And that, kiddies" Nymphadora concluded, "Is why Professor Binns is a ghost."

To say that Fred, George, Ron Hermione and Ginny looked stunned would be an understatement.

"She was also the inspiration of the four best rule breakers in the history of Hogwarts," Andromeda added.

"No she wasn't," Sirius interrupted.

"I'm sorry?"

"Electra didn't inspire the marauders," Sirius said.

"I'm not talking about the marauders," Andromeda said, to Sirius' confusion, "I'm talking about the Scarlet Whores."

"They're just a myth," Sirius said defiant.

"Tell me Ginny," Andromeda said, ignoring Sirius, "Is there still a two way mirror in every girl's bathroom at Hogwarts?"

"Yes," Ginny said, blushing slightly.

"Two way mirrors?" Ron questioned, "Where do they see to?"

"The boy's bathrooms," Hermione said, burying herself deeper in a book.

"Well, certain parts of them anyway," Nymphadora grinned.

"Who put them there?" Fred or George asked.

"The Scarlet Whores," Andromeda said, smiling.

"Who are the Scarlet Whores?" the other Weasley twin asked.

"No one knows," Andromeda said, "They never got caught you see, that's why they were the best." She smiled at Sirius, who looked sour.

"But if they never got caught," Ron said, "How do you know that they're called the Scarlet Whores?"

"Because, Ronald" Andromeda said, chuckling, "I was one. Nymphadora, if you please?"

Cringing at the use of her name, Nymphadora took two folded pieces of parchment from her pockets and placed them on the coffee table in front of her mother.

Andromeda held up her wand, "I solemnly swear that I am ready for sex," she said, tapping the larger piece of parchment with her wand.

'Chlamydia, Gonorrhoea, Syphilis and Aids present, The Scarlet Whore's Map' appeared on the piece of parchment.

"I'm Chlamydia," Andromeda said, opening the map.

Sirius rolled his eyes, "So you have a map of Hogwarts, who doesn't?"

"This isn't a map of Hogwarts," Andromeda said, sweetly, "It's an atlas of the world."

Sirius raised an eyebrow.

Andromeda pointed her wand at the map and said, "Sirius Black."

The map went blank and soon the Grimmauld place drawing room appeared on it with small dots representing all the members of the room. Sirius' name plate next to his dot was enlarged and read 'Sirius Black, Sexiness Rating *'

"Why do I only have one star?" Sirius asked shocked.

"I pushed that rating," Andromeda said, "the other girls wanted to give you three skulls."

Sirius was gob smacked.

Nymphadora laughed loudly. "My rating is five stars," she said.

"Mine's four stars," Ginny read, "That's not bad, Hermione, yours is three."

"What's mine?" Ron asked.

"Four skulls," Andromeda said.

"Oh," Ron said.

"Wow Professor Lupin," Ginny said, "You don't have any stars, just five exclamation marks."

Sirius' state of speechless shock worsened. Remus blushed.

"Who were the others?" Hermione asked.

"My best friends," Andromeda said, "Ariadne Kitteridge nee Prescott was Gonorrhoea, Acacia Brown nee Shacklock was Syphilis, and Alice Longbottom nee Barnes was Aids."

Hermione's looked shocked, "Longbottom…Brown…"

Andromeda chuckled, "Yes, Neville and Lavender's mothers."

"What's that?" Ginny asked, pointing at the other piece of parchment.

"That is an ever updating, archiving list of male residents at Hogwarts," Andromeda explained, "We used it to cross off the boys we slept with, I think there's about three of four names that aren't crossed off."

Nymphadora pulled her wand out and drew a heart on the list with the end of it, she than drew a line through the heart.

"You just say two years and tap it with your wand and it shows the men that were or are in Hogwarts at the time," Nymphadora said, "1966 to 1973, that's when mum was at school."

"1973," Ginny said, pondering, "but that means…"

(A/N: JK is going to KILL me.)

"Yes, Ginny," Andromeda said, "I was eighteen when I had Nymphadora. In fact I was two months pregnant when I left Hogwarts."

"Oh," Ginny said.

Nymphadora burst into laughter.

"What?" Ginny asked.

Nymphadora read from the list, "'James Potter, 2/10, Deplorable, Alice.'"

Sirius roared with laughter.

"'Sirius Black, 1/10, Worst lay ever, Acacia.'" Nymphadora read.

Sirius looked like a wounded puppy.

"'Lucius Malfoy, 5/10, Not bad at all, Ariadne.'"

The young students all cringed.

"'Peter Pettigrew'…isn't actually crossed off he just got four comments," Nymphadora said, "'Oh hell no, Are you insane, not in this lifetime, I'd rather die.' That's a bit scathing don't you think?"

"Have you ever seen Peter Pettigrew?" Andromeda asked.

"Fair enough," Nymphadora said, "Oh here's dad, 'Ted Tonks, 10/10, I am going to marry this man, Andromeda,' you know that's almost romantic mum."

"Almost," Andromeda repeated.

"Ooh 'Severus Snape'," Nymphadora read.

Sirius, Fred, George, Remus, Ron, Ginny and Hermione all groaned in disgust.

"Has three very high ratings," Nymphadora continued, eyes wide, "'8/10, Not bad at all, Alice, 9/10, I'd do it again in a heart beat, Acacia, 9/10, A god in the sack, Andromeda'." Nymphadora looked at her mother, shocked.

"Oh he was, darling," Andromeda said, "Wasn't he Ted?"

Ted grinned and nodded.

"TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" Nymphadora yelled, turning back to the list, "Oh, here we go, 'Remus Lupin…'"

Nymphadora trailed off, her eyes widened in fury; she started breathing heavily through her nose.

"I left something in the oven," Andromeda said, getting up and very quickly leaving.

"I have to clean the house," Ted added, following his wife.

"I have to go and do…werewolf stuff," Remus added, also leaving.

"I'm coming with you!" Sirius more or less yelled, running after him.

Nymphadora slammed the list on the coffee table stalked out of the drawing room and into her own room, slamming the door behind her.

The five teenagers looked at each other puzzled. They all leant over the list and read;

'Remus Lupin, 8/10, a resounding third place, Andromeda.'

* * *

Author notes:, Sorry, I didn't get to eplain why 'Scarlet' Whores. Well in the old Puritan days, they made women caught commiting Adultery wear a scarlet A on thier chest. And since all of the girl's names start with A, they chose Scarlet.


End file.
